Skinny Is Not a Compliment

I don’t watch what I eat. I mean yeah, we shop at Trader Joe’s, I don’t eat a lot of processed foods, and I can throw words at you like hydrogenated fats and high fructose corn syrup. But in general, if I want that donut, I’m gonna eat it. I don’t hold back. I snack A LOT. I know where every “hidden” candy stash is in my house. I can’t say no to ice cream and I don’t always eat my vegetables. I try to exercise regularly, but I’m definitely not in the best shape. And I am skinny. I know that I’m skinny. Not because I try to be, but just because I am (metabolism or something, idk science). Now please stop telling me. Stop saying it like being told I’m skinny is the best compliment you could give me. Or like it’s something that I control. Just stop. The word “skinny” is a BODY TYPE. Not. A. Compliment. Stop associating skinny with good and fat with bad. These words are simply used to describe our bodies. They shouldn’t have any other positive/negative connotations attached to them. No no no no no just stop it because body size is completely irrelevant to beauty. Skinny doesn’t equate being healthy or pretty or even ideal. We need to promote having a healthy body over a skinny one, and that starts with stoping the glorification thinness. Of course, because our culture looks unfavorably upon being overweight (fat shaming), it’s considered wrong to make a comment about someone who is overweight. Most of us know that this is alienating, offensive, and insecurity-inducing. But what about the opposite? Making a comment about someone’s thinness, why is that considered a compliment? For whatever reason, this second kind of comment about someone’s weight has become socially acceptable, which is insensitive and not okay.

 

-mariam

I just spent the weekend dealing with comments like “it looks like you haven’t eaten” and “oh why don’t you eat more.” I’m just tired of it.

Advertisements

10/5/2016

The worst day. Today has been the worst.

It’s just that point in the semester where I’m exhausted, drained, and completely overwhelmed. I’m so tired. And today I crashed. My brain couldn’t handle it anymore. I had this weird foreboded and completely irrational feeling of failure. Perhaps because I’m not doing as well as hoped in two of my classes? I don’t know, I don’t think so because it was so massive and anxiety driven. I was just so tired of this goddamn election, the ridiculous amount of midterms I had, and the general state of the world. To make matters worse, I forgot my  wristband at home that I always wear to fidget with and calm me down.

You know when you’re feeling upset and your brain just thinks of more things to make you feel even worse? I started doing that too. Existential questions stormed my mind, made me overthink everything. “Is this really want you wanna do?” Is this what you SHOULD do?” “You should be doing more.” “You’re a failure.”

It was just a mess of complete irrationality.

I don’t know. This felt different from my typical breakdowns throughout the semester, which I can usually fix by getting the work done that was stressing me. But today I felt hopeless. I felt trapped. It didn’t feel like there was a solution. I was stressed for no fixable reason.

—–

When I first wrote this, I was gonna say that there’s no cherry on top. There’s no happy ending. But I’m better-ish now. I don’t feel as overwhelmed or as stressed out as before. I’m… okay. I’m okay.

In the moment though, I didn’t feel okay and I didn’t think I’d ever feel okay again. Funny how my brain convinced me of that.

-mariam

Welcome to My Anxiety Ridden Mind 

Bwbejjwnqmqkidhvwbnqkpsbbdbdjj dbbnkapjwbqpwojbe ndmdkdihwbbwnksodhebdbdjdjehejdhd hfhdhehbebdndnd nbjejdjdjsjsjjdbddbbdbbejiwowjbenn xkuhvwbsnkprppwpoaijejsocicuwkkwps phehjdodkkwlappaijrhjekkslpwkhrb bcnjrjduvabkalwifhbskwurbdsievsle4hs vbsnsjksnwnbwbwkkapwpjehdbcbnxk akeugvfbsnakwihevkksjjdbwqnskisj wlplnbvcgujavqkougbwnkajsgsbnsnsja kmabghklaakiehebvan hehjejebebbekowjsyvwvwbjjk sbwbbgyjsnnslsohebndmdkdihwbbw nksodhebdbdjdjehejdhdhfhdhehbeb dndndnbjejdjdjsjsjjdbddbbdbbejiwowjbenn xkuhvwbsnkprppwpoaijejsocicuwkk wpsphehjdodkkwlappaijrhjekkslpw khrbbcnjrjduvabkalwifhbskwurbdsievsle4 hsvbsnsjksnwnbwbwkkapwpjehdbcb nxka keugvfbsnakwihevkksjjdbwqnsk isjw lplnbvcgujavqkougbwnkajsgsb nsnsja kmabghklaakiehebvan hjsdnksdmoakamdsbalnamsdksdaosdufhjandmsdapsjdiahfnkflfmk  dkjbfajkfhiaohfafahmfabjfhabdfjmakdouadnmlapdieubfankncidf dybuhcidn Bwbejjwnqmqkidhvwbnqkpsbbdbdjj dbbnkapjwbqpwojbe ndmdkdihwbbwnksodhebdbdjdjehejdhd hfhdhehbebdndnd nbjejdjdjsjsjjdbddbbdbbejiwowjbenn xkuhvwbsnkprppwpoaijejsocicuwkkwps phehjdodkkwlappaijrhjekkslpwkhrb bcnjrjduvabkalwifhbskwurbdsievsle4hs vbsnsjksnwnbwbwkkapwpjehdbcbnxk akeugvfbsnakwihevkksjjdbwqnskisj wlplnbvcgujavqkougbwnkajsgsbnsnsja kmabghklaakiehebvan hehjejebebbekowjsyvwvwbjjk sbwbbgyjsnnslsohebndmdkdihwbbw nksodhebdbdjdjehejdhdhfhdhehbeb dndndnbjejdjdjsjsjjdbddbbdbbejiwowjbenn xkuhvwbsnkprppwpoaijejsocicuwkk wpspheh

 

 

Ya feel?

 

 

-mariam

I Met Jill Biden?!!

 

Day 4: 6/6/2016

Hours worked: 8

Total hours: 28

If today were an episode of Friends, it would either be called “The Time I Met Jill Biden” or “The Time Flat Stanley Was Decapitated.” I’m still not sure which title is better. Inside an alcove in the Young Readers Center (YRC), there is a life-size cardboard cutout of Flat Stanley. The families who visit the YRC enjoy posing for photos with Stanley. Unfortunately, today Stanley was knocked over and his cardboard head snapped clean from his body. Since then, Stanley has been hospitalized, but the odds are not looking good. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Stanley, I hope you come back in one piece.

In other news, today the YRC hosted a conversation with Author Michael Grant, two female combat soldiers, and special guest Dr. Jill Biden. The event compared and contrasted real and imagined events during World War II with 21st century combat and military life. Michael Grant, a popular YA author discussed his new historical fiction book Front Lines, which reimagined a World War II where women are eligible for the draft. Among other things, I helped move Dr. Biden’s signed books from the green room to backstage, and during the book-signing portion of the event, I was in charge of writing people’s names down on post-it notes if they wished for their book to be personalized. Afterwards, I had the honor of meeting Dr. Biden, and honestly, she was so kind and genuine. Since she is an advocate for community colleges and is a professor at a northern Virginia community college, when I told her I was an intern from Montgomery College, she said that it’s awesome that I’m interning at the Library, and she said to enjoy it, and have a great summer. Meeting Dr. Biden will not be forgotten anytime soon, especially since the professional photographer at the event snapped a high quality photo that will probably be shared around by all my family and friends.

-mariam

 

Day 1 at the Library of Congress

Day 1: 5/31/2016

Hours worked: 8

Total hours: 8

It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re fine. Butterflies? Ha. More like stampeding elephants. I enter the building labeled “Madison Library of Congress.” After going through security, I walk to a map and search for Young Readers Center. Young Readers Center Young Readers Center Young Readers Center, WHERE IS IT? The security guard asks me what I’m looking for and I respond and he says that it’s in the Jefferson Building. There’s more than one building?? “Yeah there are three actually.” Oops, I said that out loud.

He gave me directions to head into an underground tunnel that connects the three buildings together. Rights and lefts and keep going straight blur in my head, and I thank god for the signs and maps everywhere along the way.

Okay, now when you walk into the Center just stay calm. It’s okay. Once I entered the Center, all my nerves went away. Books upon books upon books of my childhood surrounded me and gave me a welcoming hug. The blue and green pastels danced on the walls. I spotted Frindle, one of my favorite books, and it brought a natural smile to my face—unlike the ones I was forcing all morning.

My supervisor at the YRC, Kahin, wanted me to just observe the daily activities before I’m given any responsibilities. After touring the center and going over protocol, I was told I can grab and book and just watch over what Monica does at the information desk. Everything seemed simple enough and I knew I would become accustomed to the procedures in due time. I also have begun to understand that situations like this are going to make me anxious. Until I’m comfortable in my surroundings, I am going to overthink every single thing I say and do, which sucks, but what can I do?

-mariam

 

p.s. aghhhhh I’m interning at the Library of Congress what the heck????

hi.

So over the past few months, I’ve found that I’m controlling my thoughts more to prevent anxious meltdowns; however, instead, my productive thinking has decreased. I don’t talk out problems in my head anymore because I automatically and instinctively just tell myself to stop before the anxiety rushes in. While I have been less anxious, I think the pitfall of this is that I’m not as creative as I usually am. I’m not brainstorming or problem-solving effectively. I’m not being productive, and the internet is rotting my brain at a faster pace than it usually does.

So this begs the question: should I just let my thoughts roam free in order to let the creative juices flow? Is it, perhaps, good to live with an anxious brain sometimes? I don’t know man because anxiety is like a rumble of stampeding elephants in the pit of your belly that never goes away no matter how much chocolate you eat; so I’m not sure I want to unleash the beast quite yet, but maybe, I should take it out  for a walk sometimes? I don’t know.

-mariam

Also, as I’m writing this the dubs are playing the grizzlies for their 71st win of the season and they need 73 wins to beat the ’95-96 Bulls record and there’s a minute left in the game and they’re tied so eek.

Update: Warriors won 100-99 !

Best Day of the Year

Just like every year, 2015 has been a crazy rollercoaster with ups and downs, and twists and turns.

If one were to ask me what my favorite day of the year was, I’d have to say August 1, 2015. This day, ironically, was filled with rollercoasters, some that were AMAZING and some that were headache inducing. My favorite day of the year was the day I went to Kings Dominion with my best friend, Hannah.

The trip was OH MY GOD awesome. I don’t think I said “oh my god” more times in my life than on this day. We went with a youth group from Virginia, not knowing anyone but ourselves.

Now, the day didn’t start out so great. We sat in 3 hours of traffic (bad idea to travel Saturday morning in the middle of beach season) and once we arrived, we waited in line for an hour for a ride that broke down as we waited. Cranky and irritated from the traffic and the line, we decided to have lunch to regroup. We ate with some people we met on the bus and they turned out to be great people. We ended up spending most of the day with them.

Perhaps because we ventured deeper into the park, or for whatever reason, the lines started going smoothly.

Probably because of my lack of experience at theme parks, I thought the rides were freaking amazing. Rollercoasters are hard to explain the thrill of it. Like it’s something you have to experience to understand. Screaming at the top of my lungs with Hannah, being care-free, and relaxed was a much needed break. I was so happy, it makes me happy now just thinking about it.

To top it all off, the ice-cream and strawberry topped funnel cakes were the best way to conclude the day. THEY TASTED SO GOOD OH MY GOD. I literally could not handle how good they were and Hannah has photo evidence of me freaking out with every bite. The crunchiness of the funnel cake, plus the sweet, cold ice-cream was the best feeling after the exhaustion of the day started to settle in. I recommend ice-cream topped funnel cakes 10/10.

But, you see, it didn’t stop there. Back on the bus, Hannah and I had the best conversations. She put her legs on my lap and I leaned back in my chair. We put headphones in and the playlist on Pandora was incredible. It fit the mood perfectly, as we drove into the sunset, going home.

Happy New Year!!

-mariam

Is it bad that I’m more excited for the Sherlock Special coming out tomorrow and not New Years?