10/5/2016

The worst day. Today has been the worst.

It’s just that point in the semester where I’m exhausted, drained, and completely overwhelmed. I’m so tired. And today I crashed. My brain couldn’t handle it anymore. I had this weird foreboded and completely irrational feeling of failure. Perhaps because I’m not doing as well as hoped in two of my classes? I don’t know, I don’t think so because it was so massive and anxiety driven. I was just so tired of this goddamn election, the ridiculous amount of midterms I had, and the general state of the world. To make matters worse, I forgot my  wristband at home that I always wear to fidget with and calm me down.

You know when you’re feeling upset and your brain just thinks of more things to make you feel even worse? I started doing that too. Existential questions stormed my mind, made me overthink everything. “Is this really want you wanna do?” Is this what you SHOULD do?” “You should be doing more.” “You’re a failure.”

It was just a mess of complete irrationality.

I don’t know. This felt different from my typical breakdowns throughout the semester, which I can usually fix by getting the work done that was stressing me. But today I felt hopeless. I felt trapped. It didn’t feel like there was a solution. I was stressed for no fixable reason.

—–

When I first wrote this, I was gonna say that there’s no cherry on top. There’s no happy ending. But I’m better-ish now. I don’t feel as overwhelmed or as stressed out as before. I’m… okay. I’m okay.

In the moment though, I didn’t feel okay and I didn’t think I’d ever feel okay again. Funny how my brain convinced me of that.

-mariam

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